Today is an anniversary for me, but not a happy one. This day one year ago, I was given the news that my little baby was a boy, but would most likely not make it. Even now I can remember the shock, the devastation I felt at hearing those words. Never in my worst nightmares could I have imagined something like this happening to me. I am relatively healthy, I was following all the rules - how could my baby be dying? And why me? Why did we lose our little boy when there are abusers and drug addicts popping out babies who will never get the love and attention we would have given to Liam? So many questions, and no answers. Now here I am, one year later, still missing my baby. Thinking about how old he would be now - wondering, would he be babbling yet? Trying to crawl? And always asking - will this happen again? Now we are talking about trying again this summer. I'm a little nervous, but very excited. I definately will not be able to go through this next pregnancy with the innocence I had at the beginning of my first one. I will be much more anxious, constantly worrying that something will go wrong. But go forward we will - we both want children, so we'll pray and try again.

Monday's are always fun. Actually today was not too bad. I hardly accomplished anything teaching wise today. The 5th graders are putting on a play on Thursday, so we had play practice this morning. Then after lunch we had a "Good Touch Bad Touch" program. Just sucked the life outta my day:) Then I hit the gym. After a 2 week break I sure felt a little weak and wimpy. So I did 10 mins on the bike and 20 on the elliptical, and was pretty wiped out. I still have a little snuffly, coughy stuff going on, so I figured I'd had enough after 30 mins of cardio. I'll go back tomorrow and do some weights too.

I also finally got the autopsy results for Liam. They found nothing. Which is great in the way that there is nothing genetically wrong that we can't fix. But unfortunately we still have no answers, and we probably never will. Right now I'm just glad that we have the results. I feel like now it's finally finished. And that is a big feeling of relief.

Finally, tonight I got 1.5 hours of stitching in - all on the dumb dalmation:) Really want this UFO out of the way. Hopefully by Christmas....

I think Craigslist is great! We're finally selling all of that exercise equipment we've had lying around for years that we never use. I'm doing great going to the gym, so I feel good about selling it. I've gotten two requests about the bike and one about the elliptical so far. Very wonderful:)

On Friday at school, I had to email an OT I worked with last year about a student I have this year. I should have done it weeks ago, but kept avoiding it. He's a real sweet guy and worked well with the kids. Well, I emailed him and asked my question, and he responded immediately and of course asked about Liam. His wife was also pregnant and just had their little one a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow and having to respond to this with a sentence which begins "unfortunately...". I knew it was going to be like that. That's one of the biggest reasons I was so glad I didn't have to go back to Oak Hill this year. All that sympathy can be hard to take sometimes. That just made me so upset on Friday. I cried all the way home. It still seems so unfair to me. I still miss him. I keep looking at the date and thinking what age he would be now if he'd lived, or if he'd been born on his due date. I wonder what he would look like. Would he have been a good sleeper like his daddy, or a bad one like me. All I do know is I love and miss him ever so much.

A rant, and then my story.

When I was young, children were not allowed to ask impertinent questions. In fact, when I did ask or say something my parents or teachers considered inappropriate, I was quite often punished.
That's my rant.
Today as I was standing at the door of a classroom waiting for a couple of children to come with me, a girl sitting near the door looks up at me with a coy smile and says "Mrs. Debelak, are you pregnant, cuz you sure look like you are." OMG!!!! I don't know whether I wanted to smack her or cry. Even one of the boys I was picking up told this girl you don't ask things like that. It totally ticked me off. I then began to think that I should have had my little baby boy Liam about a month old now. And of course the obvious thought of I guess I still look fat. Gee thanks girl. She's lucky she's a student, that's all I can say.
That's my story.

Now off to stitch, watch Bones and Fringe.

So, yesterday I was talking with a teacher at my school, and she was telling me about one of our co-teachers who had gotten pregnant last year. The lady is about 40, has two older kids (12 and 15 or something like that) and her new little baby was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome before birth. He does indeed have Down's and also a hole in his heart. He just had surgery to repair the hole a few weeks before school started. So this little man is being looked after by her in-laws while she works, because his feedings still need to be closely monitored. I don't know how she leaves him every day, and some days stays at school until after 5pm. So, this other teacher is telling me all this and every fiber of my being is screaming "I had a baby this summer too!!!". But what do ya say? I sure didn't want to get into everything about me in front of a class of kiddos, and she just kept talking.

This has been a year of percentages for us. One of our cats has hyperthyroidism. He received a treatment that did not work and is back in for a second treatment. The odds of the 1st treatment not working are so low, that in all the years the vet has been practicing only 5 cats have not responded to the 1st treatment. Out of those 5, 3 have responded the 2nd time. So now we wait and see. And then of course there's Liam. A 1 in 3000-5000 chance of having a baby with Hydrops. You'd think with odds like that we'd win the lottery soon.

And so begins another week. I jokingly said today to a teacher that Monday's should just not be allowed. I think I'll stand by that statement. I'm starting to feel more like myself (whoever that is) every day. I sometimes feel like I'm not sad enough about Liam - like I should still be crazy sad about him. But I just don't feel that way. I miss him, I miss what Pat and I should have had with him, but I feel like I've accepted his passing, and gotten used to the idea that I'm a woman who has lost a child. I never knew how many women out there have gone through this. It seems so odd to me that in this day and age, we can cure cancer, send men to the moon, but we can't keep a little baby alive. We're still awaiting the autopsy results. They said it could take up to 90 days. I think that's insane, but there it is. I called my obgyn's office today to see if they had the results. I felt very matter of fact when I asked for them. I always wonder if other people think I didn't care about Liam because I can talk matter-of-factly about him. And that is so far from the truth. Losing Liam was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I can still see him in my mind as the nurse held him for me to say goodbye to. So hard to let her leave the room with him, knowing I would never see him again, but I knew his spirit was no longer there.

Today was an ok day at school. My job is not difficult, I hope as I learn a little more about curriculum and content that I can become even more involved in what I'm doing and get more comfortable with the students. I have not really worked with this age/grade level since college, so it seems a little new and intimidating to me. I'm sure I'll get used to it though.

Well that's it for now.

It was an ok day. I did well with everything - kept sane for almost all the day. My only break down was when I was sitting in a room with one of the other special ed teachers. She asked me if I had kids. I said no. She asked if I was planning to, and I said "well, yes and no". And explained to her what happened. I got a few tears, but managed to stay coherent and move on. I did not want to tell anyone, especially not on his should-be birthday, but it just all came out. I'm glad she did not ask for too many details. I'm not sure I could have gone into that. I just hope she doesn't tell everyone else. I don't think I could stand all the looks of pity I would get. That's one reason I'm glad I didn't go back to the same school I was in last year. I just didn't want all those teachers looking at me with that expression in their eyes. You know the one I mean - the "I'm so sorry for you, and so glad it's not me in your shoes." The stupid comments that they make like "You can have another baby" making it sound like I can replace Liam with another little one like you would a sweater you've ruined.
I'm actually really glad to be back at work. It's certainly not what I'd hoped I'd be doing with my time right now, however, I'm glad for the business, the feeling of doing something useful and good.
Today one of the teachers I work with was out. She was out yesterday too. Her husband has Crohn's Disease, and is in the hospital with a severe infection, possibly needing an operation. I feel bad for her. I know the stress of having a husband in the hospital, and the helpless feeling that you have while waiting for the doctor's to fix things. I sure hope that he will be ok.

Happy would-be birthday little Liam.

This is the "who am I" post. As previously stated, I am a special education teacher and I live in Florida. I am happily married to a great guy. We have 3 cats and 2 mini schnauzers. Those are the basics. The back story is a little longer and harder. My hubby moved down here from Tennessee in September of 2007. I remained in TN for the rest of the school year and came down here June 2008. Around Thanksgiving we decided to try and get pregnant. I was so excited!! I have always wanted children, but wanted to wait until I was ready - married, stable etc. We found out around December 15 we were indeed pregnant. I was completely thrilled. I could hardly wait to tell the world, but I controlled myself. I confirmed the pregnancy with the doctor and we told our families on Christmas Day. We were all so happy. After my 8 week appointment, I told my friends and people at work. Things went along fine for a while. I began to gain weight, and I loved every minute of it:) On April 1, we went for our anatomy scan. I was exactly 19 weeks, and hubby came with me, both of us so eager to discover the sex. We found out we were having a boy, but we also discovered that our little boy had a serious illness called hydrops fetalis. We were devasted, and even more so after looking it up online and reading as much as we could about it. I was monitored often, and Liam (our little baby boy) continued to grow. We were hopeful - if we could make it to around 36 weeks, then perhaps something could be done. On Memorial Day Weekend we went into the hospital worried about reduced fetal movement. They kept me all weekend and continued to monitor us both, and things were okay. No change in his condition, but his heart was strong and he was moving around. They told me I couldn't feel as much because of all the fluid around him, and the extra amniotic fluid I was carrying. Two weeks later I was back upon my Dr.'s recommendation. They monitored me and released me again. I went to my next appointment on June 11. I told them he wasn't moving as much, or I couldn't feel it, but his heart beat was still strong. On June 13 we moved house. We needed a bigger place so we could have a nursery. On June 15 I went to my next appointment and received the most devastating news I could ever think of. Our little boy was gone. There was no heart beat. I have to admit I wasn't shocked, but I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. I had no idea how to deal with this. Yes, I'd considered this possibility, but there is no preparing for this. One of the reasons I started this blog is to talk more about this whole experience. So many thoughts pop into my head. Another reason I've started this blog now is because my original due date was this coming Wednesday. I didn't think I'd have a problem with it, but I have been thinking so much about Liam these last few days. Perhaps this will help me through this time.
So this is the back story.